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Alternative Dictionary

Page updated - 16 January 2011

These words and suggested alternative meanings are intended to be amusing and not cause offence.

Email your suggestions for words you would like added to the list.



ABACUS - Swedish swear word.

ABSCOND - Steal someone's cream tea.

ACNE - Walking aid for dyslexics.

AEROBIC - Chocolate ballpoint pen.

AGGREGATE - Farming scandal.

ALGEBRA - Brassier made of kelp.

AMBULATE - A Hearse.

AMISH - Rather like an arm.

ANTELOPE - To run off with your mothers sister.

APERITIF - Cockney (UK) dentures.

ARBORETUM - Dockside restaurant.

ARIZONA - The person to whom Harry belongs.

ARMATURE - An old pirate.

AROMATIC - Auto-loading crossbow.

ARSON- To sit down.

ARTEFACT - Pretentious statistic.

ARTERY - The study of painting.

ARTICLE - Tease a pirate.

ARTISTRY - History of art.

ASBESTOS - Greek Anti-Social Behaviour Order.

ASTERISK - Probability of asteroid strike.

AVOIDABLE - Action of cow with a headache.

AWOL - Dyslexic owl.


BACCHANALIAN - Bet on a Martian.

BACTERIA - Cafeteria rear entrance.

BACTERIA - Returning more upset.

BALTIMORE - Seconds in an Indian restaurant.

BALONEY - Longer skirt length.

BALDERDASH - Rapidly receding hairline.

BANSHEE - Gentleman's club.

BELIEVE - Time off for bees.

BENIGN -  A year after the eighth birthday.

BICYCLE - Double-headed corn cutter.

BIGAMIST - Larger than usual fog.

BINGE - Where Sean Connery puts his rubbish.

BIN-MEN - Females who were male.

BIOSPHERE - To purchase a ball.

BLANKET - Refuse to communicate.

BLOATER - Japanese straw hat.

BOOMERANG - Show displeasure to a dessert.

BORDELLO - Blasé greeting.

BOUTIQUE - Startling kind of hardwood.

BOWEL - A letter like A, E, I, O or U.

BUGGERY - Study of insects.

BURGOMASTER - Boss of fast food restaurant.

BUTCHER - More camp.


CABBAGE - Taxi driver parlance.

CAESAREAN SECTION - A district in Rome.

CAMPERVAN - A van with even more sequins.

CAMPUS - Effeminate cat.

CANAPÉ - Scotsman's inability to settle bill.

CANNELLONI - Scotsman's refusal to give overdraft.

CANNIBAL - Geordie (UK) missile.

CANTANKEROUS - Chain of shops that sell tanks.

CANTILEVER - A speed controller on a horse.

CAPSIZE - Usually about seven and a quarter inches.

CARMELITE - Half-hearted Buddhist.

CASHEW - Nut that makes you sneeze.

CASTIGATE - Nasty accident climbing into a field.

CAT SCAN - Searching for kitty.

CAUTERISE (1) - Made eye contact with her.

CAUTERISE (2) - Serious squint.

CEMETERY - A very large shrub.

CHILDHOOD - Very young criminal.

CHINCHILLA - Beard cooler.

CHIROPRACTICE - Preparing to visit Egypt.

CIRCUMNAVIGATOR - Jewish sailor.

CIRCUMSPECT - Point of view of a Rabbi.

CLAUSTROPHOBIA - Fear of Father Christmas.

COFFEE - Someone who has been coughed on.

COIFFEUR - Pretentious drinker.

COINCIDENTAL - Having matching teeth.

COLONNADE - Fizzy enema.

COMA - Posh punctuation mark.

COMATOSE - Foots gone dead.

COMBAT - Aggressive marsupial.

CONCOURSE - Education for inmates.

CONCURRENT - Looks like a raisin but isn't.

CONGENITAL - Friendly.

COPULATE - Poor Police response time.

CRÈCHE - Vehicle collision in Kensington (UK).

CURLICUE - A very friendly dog.

CURSORY - Where young children lean to swear.

CUSTARD - Swear after stepping in something.

CUTICLE - Sexual harassment in the Post Office.

CYCLOPAEDIA - Sexually attracted to bikes.


DAMNATION - Holland.

DANDELION - Big camp cat.

DEBASEMENT - Floor below de ground floor.

DECEASE - Stop stopping.

DEFINITE - 'She can't hear me man'.

DEFUNCT - Have sense of rhythm removed.

DELEGATE - Jewish scandal.

DELIBERATE - To imprison.

DENTIST - Man who fixes damaged car bodywork.

DIALOGUE - An awful piece of wood.

DICTAPHONE - Someone you dislike calling.

DICTATOR - Humorously shaped root vegetable.

DILATE - Live long.

DIPHTHONG (1) - Fondue underwear.

DIPHTHONG (2) - Minimalist laundry.

DIRECT - Ruined by a Welshman.

DISAPPEAR - To insult a lord.

DISCONSOLATE - A particular embassy.

DISINCLINE - Upward slope.

DISPEL - Criticise magic.

DISSIDENT - Foreigner pointing out damage to car bodywork.

DOLDRUMS - Puppet percussion.

DONATION - Where Homer Simpson is King.

DOODLEBUG - To draw a flea.

DOGMA - Canine mother.

DOSSIER - A French tramp.

DYNAMITE - Treat a flea to lunch.


EGRET - Apology sent by computer.

ELECTRON - Vote for Ronald.

ELEMENTAL - Spanish village idiot.

ELEVENSES - Welsh bull-fighting family.

EMAIL - Announcing mail delivery in Yorkshire (UK).

EXCEED - A plant.

EXTORT - Having left school.


FAIRYTALE - Beer made from ferrets.

FALLACY - Amusingly shaped.

FIASCO - Unsuccessful wall painting.

FLATULENCE - Ambulance used when you are run over.

FOLLICLE - Tiny ruin on a small hill.

FLABBERGASTED - Appalled by weight gain.

FRAGRANT - Sweet smelling tramp.

FREEBIE - Unattached insect.

FRIGATE - Ship nobody cares about.

FROGSPAWN - Blue movies for French.

FUSELAGE - Not many that big.


GASTRONOME - Flatulent dwarf.

GENITAL - Not Jewish.

GENTEEL - Chivalrous fish.

GOATHERD - Exclamation when flushing.

GOBLET - A small mouth.

GONDOLIER - Something caught from a boatman.

GRANARY - Single sex old folks home.

GROYNE - Colour of 'go' light in Birmingham (UK).

GURGLE - To steal a ventriloquists dummy.


HADDOCK - Enclosure for sea horses.

HALITOSIS - Bad breath causes by comets.

HARLEQUIN - One of a set of five motorbikes.

HARPIST - Partially inebriated.

HEATHROW (UK airport) - What a baggage handler does.

HEBREW - Jewish teabag.

HERPES - The wife's winning vegetables.

HIDING - A bell you can't reach.

HITHER - Snake with a harelip.

HOARDING - Prostitutes microwave.

HOBGOBLIN - Eating stoves.

HONOLULU - Award to Scottish female singer.

HORTICULTURE - Ideas above ones station.

HULLABALOO - How to greet a bear.

HUMMINGBIRD - Lady in need of a bath.

HUMMUS - What Geordies use to bang nails in.

HUMPTY-DUMPTY - Someone who humps & dumps.

HUSTLE-BUSTLE - 19 century kerb crawler.

HIMALAYA - Transsexual rooster.


ICONOCLASTIC - Rubber band for religious paintings.

IMPACT - Mythical performance.

IMPOTENT - Well known and important.

INCREMENT - Bad weather in Japan.

INJURY - On judicial duty.

INTENSIVE - High speed strainer.

iPOD - Optical aid using peas.

IVY - Roman for 4.


JUGULAR - Busty vampire.


KINGDOM - Royal contraceptive.

KITTIWAKE - Cat's funeral.


LABOUR PAIN - Effects of hard work.

LABURNUM - French barbeque.

LACTIC - Stopped clock.

LACTOSE - Effect of frostbite.

LAMINATION - New Zealand.

LAMPOON - Device for whaling at night.

LAPLANDER - Clumsy private dancer.

LARGESS - A large 'S'.

LEPRECHAUN - Variety of corn whose ears drop off.

LIABILITY - Political skill.

LIABLE - Australian price tag.

LIVERY - A bit like liver.

LOGGERHEADS - Addicts who sniff lumberjacks.

LUPINE - Toilet air freshener.

LYMPH - To walk with a lisp.



MACAROON - Leave a Scotsman on a desert island.

MALADY - A bit like a duck.

MANDATE - Male dried fruit.

MANOEUVRE - Vacuum cleaner men can use.

MARGATE - Mother of all scandals. (Town in UK)

MASSACRE - An American measurement.

MAYFLY - Doubtful aircraft design.

MEASLES - What artists use for self-portraits.

MEDICAL STAFF - Doctor's walking stick.

MELANCHOLY - Funny shaped dog.

MEMSAHIB - Type of Swedish car.

MIGHTY - Not your tea.

MIGRAINE - Possessive cereal farmer.

MISHMASH - Late for Chapel due to drunkenness.

MISTAKE - Winner of butchers beauty contest.

MONKEY - A bit like a monk.

MONOGAMY - Scottish New Year celebration for one.

MONOTONOUS - Single minded intelligence.

MORASS - Putting on weight.

MORBID - Auction process.

MOSQUITO - Tiny place for Muslim worship.

MUSIC - Poorly cat.

MUCUS - Swear word used by cats.

MUMPS - Heaps of unwanted mothers.

MUTATE - Art gallery for cats.

MYSTIQUE - Frightened fog.


NAPKIN - One of the tiny sleep nymphs.

NAVIGATE - Scandal involving road workers.

NEUTRON - Ronald the newt

NITRATE - Lower than day rate.


OFFSET - Regulating body for badgers.

ONION BHAJI - French canal boat worker.

ONOMATOPOEIA - First sign of bladder weakness.

ORCHID - Son of a Brummie (Birmingham UK).

ORGANISM - Irrational fear of the Wurlitzer.

OSMOSIS - Early Australian prophet.

OTTER - Warmer weather in Yorkshire.

OUTPATIENT - Unconscious casualty.

OUTRANKED - To be smellier than.

OXYMORON - Stupid bovine.


PALISADE - A drink for a Queen.

PANDEMONIUM - Monochrome musical instrument.

PARACHUTE - Device to launch paratroopers.

PARSNIP - Dad's vasectomy

PEA SOUP - Unusual medical condition.

PEANUT - Painful medical condition.

PEPPER POT - Pot belonging to one who stutters.

PESTO - Insecticide gravy browning.

PHYSIQUE - Perrier enema.

PIANO - Musical shipping line.

PICADOR - Find your own way out.

PIECRUST - Result of neglected old fighting weapon.

PILLAGE - Pharmaceutical dependant village.

PISTON - Humiliated.

PLATYPUS - Give your cat pigtails.

PLEBISCITE - Website for commoners.

POLITICIAN - Famous Italian parrot painting.

POLYGAMIST - Two timing parrot.

POLYGON - Missing parrot.


PONDEROUS - Shop that sells ponds.

PORCUPINE - Regret becoming a vegetarian.

PORTLY - Shaped like a harbour.

POST OPERATIVE - Mail delivery worker.

POSTULATE - Poor postal delivery.

PREACH - Soft fruit with speech defect.

PREAMBLE - Warm-up before walking.

PROBLEMATIC - Dodgy loft conversion.

PROPAGANDA - Have a good look.

PROTRACTOR - Paid farm machine.

PSYCHOPATH - Crazy paving.


QUAKER - Posh duck.

QUEST - Coat of Arms with a speech impediment.


RADAR - An attack by pirates.

RAFFIA - Craft fair crime syndicate.

RAMBLING - Jewellery for sheep.

RANDOMISE - Ocular defect.

RANKER - Japanese term of abuse.

RANSOM - Partial exercise

RAPSCALLION - Funky spring onion.

RECOVERY  - Replacing upholstery.

RECTUM - Items seriously damaged.

RETARD (1) - Refreshed road surface.

RETARD (2) - Very difficult in Yorkshire (UK).

RETREAD - Very red in Yorkshire (UK).

RHEUMATIC - Automatic herb.

ROCK BOTTOM - Firm seat.

ROOK - What Japanese tourists do.

RUGGER - Wig maker.


SATIRE - A more elevated seating position.

SCANDAL - Shameful foot-ware.

SCAR TISSUE - Problem connecting DVD to TV.

SCINTILLATE - Commit adultery until midnight.

SCOOBY DO - Responsible dog owner.

SCUM - It has arrived.

SCURRILOUS - Mouse with no legs.

SEA LEGS - Eggs of the seal.

SEA LION - Implement for pressing seals.

SECRETION - Act of hiding something.

SEIZURE - You have been spotted.

SEMOLINA - System of signalling using puddings.

SENILE - What to do in Egypt.

SENTIMENT - The perfume he intended to buy.

SEWAGE - Legal work.

SHAMROCK - Tribute band.

SHEEP DIP - Unpopular buffet item.

SHELLFISH - A bit like a shelf.

SHREWD - A rude shrew.

SHRINK - Ice skating shrew.

SHRUB - Over-friendly shrew.

SLIPPERY - A bit like a slipper.

SLUGGISH - A bit like a slug.

SNUFFBOX - Coffin.

SORCERER - Even more like a saucer.

SPECIMEN - Italian astronauts.

SPOOF - Person pretending to be gay.

STALACTITE (1) - Inebriated prisoners of war.

STALACTITE (2) - Prison camp for fleas.

STIFLE - No room at the pigs home.

STIFLING - Scottish dance for pigs.

STOCKADE - Meat based fizzy drink.

STYLIST - Directory for pigs.

SUBDUED - Less than 'cool' person.

SUBSTITUTE - Underwater hooker.

SUFFOCATION - A week in Lowestoft (UK).

SUFFRAGETTE  - Package holiday flight.

SURCHARGE - Cash for Honours.

SYCAMORE - Not as well as I used to be.


STYMIED - Jewish pig.


TABLET - Small table.

TADPOLE - Quarter Polish.

TAFFETA (1) - Cannibal who prefers Welsh people.

TAFFETA (2) - Welsh goats cheese.

TAILBACK - Post operative Manx cat.

TAPAS - Gentle strike a bottom.

TAPIOCA - Disappointingly average dance routine.

TENDENTIOUS - Having ten dents.

TENSION - Stand up straight.

TENTATIVE - Not sure about camping.

TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport.

TEUTONIC - Ordered with two gins.

THERMIDOR - Spanish lobster fighter.

THESAURUS - Condition after eating very hot curry.

TIMBRE - Call of a French lumberjack.

TINKER - Irish philosopher.

TISSUE - Important matter on Yorkshire (UK).

TITILLATE - Delayed puberty.

TOMBOLA - A game throwing male cats.

TOOTH FAIRY - Effeminate dentist.

TORPID - Incomplete torpedo.

TRANSCENDENTAL - Cross-dressing dentist.

TRANSISTOR - A brother who wears his mothers clothes.

TRICYCLE - Even short trice.

TRIGONOMETRY - Cowboys method for locating horse.

TROLLEY - Abundance of trolls.

TUMBLING - Jewellery for the belly-button.

TUMOUR  - More than one more.

TYPHOON - Tea induced flatulence.


UGANDA - You have a look.

UNDERTAKER - Trainee shop lifter.

UNDETERRED - Skid mark.

URDU - Liverpool coiffeur.

URINE - Opposite of you're out.


VANISH - A bit like a van.

VARNISH - To disappear in Mayfair (UK).

VEIN - Conceited.

VENEZUELA - Harpoon armed gondola.

VIGILANT - Insect that stays up all night.


WARMING - Geordie's Chinese vase.

WHOLESALER - Moby Dicks lunch.

WINNEBAGO - Horse with a bad back.

WISP - Really pathetic wasp.

WORM CAST - Downloadable worm.


YASHMAK - Garment worn to protect against yash.