The Great Cornard Information Website
Page updated - 16 January 2011
These words and suggested alternative meanings are intended to be amusing and not cause offence.
Email your suggestions for words you would like added to the list.
ABACUS - Swedish swear word.
ABSCOND - Steal someone's cream tea.
ACNE - Walking aid for dyslexics.
AEROBIC - Chocolate ballpoint pen.
AGGREGATE - Farming scandal.
ALGEBRA - Brassier made of kelp.
AMBULATE - A Hearse.
AMISH - Rather like an arm.
ANTELOPE - To run off with your mothers sister.
APERITIF - Cockney (UK) dentures.
ARBORETUM - Dockside restaurant.
ARIZONA - The person to whom Harry belongs.
ARMATURE - An old pirate.
AROMATIC - Auto-loading crossbow.
ARSON- To sit down.
ARTEFACT - Pretentious statistic.
ARTERY - The study of painting.
ARTICLE - Tease a pirate.
ARTISTRY - History of art.
ASBESTOS - Greek Anti-Social Behaviour Order.
ASTERISK - Probability of asteroid strike.
AVOIDABLE - Action of cow with a headache.
AWOL - Dyslexic owl.
BACCHANALIAN - Bet on a Martian.
BACTERIA - Cafeteria rear entrance.
BACTERIA - Returning more upset.
BALTIMORE - Seconds in an Indian restaurant.
BALONEY - Longer skirt length.
BALDERDASH - Rapidly receding hairline.
BANSHEE - Gentleman's club.
BELIEVE - Time off for bees.
BENIGN - A year after the eighth birthday.
BICYCLE - Double-headed corn cutter.
BIGAMIST - Larger than usual fog.
BINGE - Where Sean Connery puts his rubbish.
BIN-MEN - Females who were male.
BIOSPHERE - To purchase a ball.
BLANKET - Refuse to communicate.
BLOATER - Japanese straw hat.
BOOMERANG - Show displeasure to a dessert.
BORDELLO - Blasé greeting.
BOUTIQUE - Startling kind of hardwood.
BOWEL - A letter like A, E, I, O or U.
BUGGERY - Study of insects.
BURGOMASTER - Boss of fast food restaurant.
BUTCHER - More camp.
CABBAGE - Taxi driver parlance.
CAESAREAN SECTION - A district in Rome.
CAMPERVAN - A van with even more sequins.
CAMPUS - Effeminate cat.
CANAPÉ - Scotsman's inability to settle bill.
CANNELLONI - Scotsman's refusal to give overdraft.
CANNIBAL - Geordie (UK) missile.
CANTANKEROUS - Chain of shops that sell tanks.
CANTILEVER - A speed controller on a horse.
CAPSIZE - Usually about seven and a quarter inches.
CARMELITE - Half-hearted Buddhist.
CASHEW - Nut that makes you sneeze.
CASTIGATE - Nasty accident climbing into a field.
CAT SCAN - Searching for kitty.
CAUTERISE (1) - Made eye contact with her.
CAUTERISE (2) - Serious squint.
CEMETERY - A very large shrub.
CHILDHOOD - Very young criminal.
CHINCHILLA - Beard cooler.
CHIROPRACTICE - Preparing to visit Egypt.
CIRCUMNAVIGATOR - Jewish sailor.
CIRCUMSPECT - Point of view of a Rabbi.
CLAUSTROPHOBIA - Fear of Father Christmas.
COFFEE - Someone who has been coughed on.
COIFFEUR - Pretentious drinker.
COINCIDENTAL - Having matching teeth.
COLONNADE - Fizzy enema.
COMA - Posh punctuation mark.
COMATOSE - Foots gone dead.
COMBAT - Aggressive marsupial.
CONCOURSE - Education for inmates.
CONCURRENT - Looks like a raisin but isn't.
CONGENITAL - Friendly.
COPULATE - Poor Police response time.
CRÈCHE - Vehicle collision in Kensington (UK).
CURLICUE - A very friendly dog.
CURSORY - Where young children lean to swear.
CUSTARD - Swear after stepping in something.
CUTICLE - Sexual harassment in the Post Office.
CYCLOPAEDIA - Sexually attracted to bikes.
DAMNATION - Holland.
DANDELION - Big camp cat.
DEBASEMENT - Floor below de ground floor.
DECEASE - Stop stopping.
DEFINITE - 'She can't hear me man'.
DEFUNCT - Have sense of rhythm removed.
DELEGATE - Jewish scandal.
DELIBERATE - To imprison.
DENTIST - Man who fixes damaged car bodywork.
DIALOGUE - An awful piece of wood.
DICTAPHONE - Someone you dislike calling.
DICTATOR - Humorously shaped root vegetable.
DILATE - Live long.
DIPHTHONG (1) - Fondue underwear.
DIPHTHONG (2) - Minimalist laundry.
DIRECT - Ruined by a Welshman.
DISAPPEAR - To insult a lord.
DISCONSOLATE - A particular embassy.
DISINCLINE - Upward slope.
DISPEL - Criticise magic.
DISSIDENT - Foreigner pointing out damage to car bodywork.
DOLDRUMS - Puppet percussion.
DONATION - Where Homer Simpson is King.
DOODLEBUG - To draw a flea.
DOGMA - Canine mother.
DOSSIER - A French tramp.
DYNAMITE - Treat a flea to lunch.
EGRET - Apology sent by computer.
ELECTRON - Vote for Ronald.
ELEMENTAL - Spanish village idiot.
ELEVENSES - Welsh bull-fighting family.
EMAIL - Announcing mail delivery in Yorkshire (UK).
EXCEED - A plant.
EXTORT - Having left school.
FAIRYTALE - Beer made from ferrets.
FALLACY - Amusingly shaped.
FIASCO - Unsuccessful wall painting.
FLATULENCE - Ambulance used when you are run over.
FOLLICLE - Tiny ruin on a small hill.
FLABBERGASTED - Appalled by weight gain.
FRAGRANT - Sweet smelling tramp.
FREEBIE - Unattached insect.
FRIGATE - Ship nobody cares about.
FROGSPAWN - Blue movies for French.
FUSELAGE - Not many that big.
GASTRONOME - Flatulent dwarf.
GENITAL - Not Jewish.
GENTEEL - Chivalrous fish.
GOATHERD - Exclamation when flushing.
GOBLET - A small mouth.
GONDOLIER - Something caught from a boatman.
GRANARY - Single sex old folks home.
GROYNE - Colour of 'go' light in Birmingham (UK).
GURGLE - To steal a ventriloquists dummy.
HADDOCK - Enclosure for sea horses.
HALITOSIS - Bad breath causes by comets.
HARLEQUIN - One of a set of five motorbikes.
HARPIST - Partially inebriated.
HEATHROW (UK airport) - What a baggage handler does.
HEBREW - Jewish teabag.
HERPES - The wife's winning vegetables.
HIDING - A bell you can't reach.
HITHER - Snake with a harelip.
HOARDING - Prostitutes microwave.
HOBGOBLIN - Eating stoves.
HONOLULU - Award to Scottish female singer.
HORTICULTURE - Ideas above ones station.
HULLABALOO - How to greet a bear.
HUMMINGBIRD - Lady in need of a bath.
HUMMUS - What Geordies use to bang nails in.
HUMPTY-DUMPTY - Someone who humps & dumps.
HUSTLE-BUSTLE - 19 century kerb crawler.
HIMALAYA - Transsexual rooster.
ICONOCLASTIC - Rubber band for religious paintings.
IMPACT - Mythical performance.
IMPOTENT - Well known and important.
INCREMENT - Bad weather in Japan.
INJURY - On judicial duty.
INTENSIVE - High speed strainer.
iPOD - Optical aid using peas.
IVY - Roman for 4.
JUGULAR - Busty vampire.
KINGDOM - Royal contraceptive.
KITTIWAKE - Cat's funeral.
LABOUR PAIN - Effects of hard work.
LABURNUM - French barbeque.
LACTIC - Stopped clock.
LACTOSE - Effect of frostbite.
LAMINATION - New Zealand.
LAMPOON - Device for whaling at night.
LAPLANDER - Clumsy private dancer.
LARGESS - A large 'S'.
LEPRECHAUN - Variety of corn whose ears drop off.
LIABILITY - Political skill.
LIABLE - Australian price tag.
LIVERY - A bit like liver.
LOGGERHEADS - Addicts who sniff lumberjacks.
LUPINE - Toilet air freshener.
LYMPH - To walk with a lisp.
MACAROON - Leave a Scotsman on a desert island.
MALADY - A bit like a duck.
MANDATE - Male dried fruit.
MANOEUVRE - Vacuum cleaner men can use.
MARGATE - Mother of all scandals. (Town in UK)
MASSACRE - An American measurement.
MAYFLY - Doubtful aircraft design.
MEASLES - What artists use for self-portraits.
MEDICAL STAFF - Doctor's walking stick.
MELANCHOLY - Funny shaped dog.
MEMSAHIB - Type of Swedish car.
MIGHTY - Not your tea.
MIGRAINE - Possessive cereal farmer.
MISHMASH - Late for Chapel due to drunkenness.
MISTAKE - Winner of butchers beauty contest.
MONKEY - A bit like a monk.
MONOGAMY - Scottish New Year celebration for one.
MONOTONOUS - Single minded intelligence.
MORASS - Putting on weight.
MORBID - Auction process.
MOSQUITO - Tiny place for Muslim worship.
MUSIC - Poorly cat.
MUCUS - Swear word used by cats.
MUMPS - Heaps of unwanted mothers.
MUTATE - Art gallery for cats.
MYSTIQUE - Frightened fog.
NAPKIN - One of the tiny sleep nymphs.
NAVIGATE - Scandal involving road workers.
NEUTRON - Ronald the newt
NITRATE - Lower than day rate.
OFFSET - Regulating body for badgers.
ONION BHAJI - French canal boat worker.
ONOMATOPOEIA - First sign of bladder weakness.
ORCHID - Son of a Brummie (Birmingham UK).
ORGANISM - Irrational fear of the Wurlitzer.
OSMOSIS - Early Australian prophet.
OTTER - Warmer weather in Yorkshire.
OUTPATIENT - Unconscious casualty.
OUTRANKED - To be smellier than.
OXYMORON - Stupid bovine.
PALISADE - A drink for a Queen.
PANDEMONIUM - Monochrome musical instrument.
PARACHUTE - Device to launch paratroopers.
PARSNIP - Dad's vasectomy
PEA SOUP - Unusual medical condition.
PEANUT - Painful medical condition.
PEPPER POT - Pot belonging to one who stutters.
PESTO - Insecticide gravy browning.
PHYSIQUE - Perrier enema.
PIANO - Musical shipping line.
PICADOR - Find your own way out.
PIECRUST - Result of neglected old fighting weapon.
PILLAGE - Pharmaceutical dependant village.
PISTON - Humiliated.
PLATYPUS - Give your cat pigtails.
PLEBISCITE - Website for commoners.
POLITICIAN - Famous Italian parrot painting.
POLYGAMIST - Two timing parrot.
POLYGON - Missing parrot.
POLYUNSATURATED - Dry parrot.
PONDEROUS - Shop that sells ponds.
PORCUPINE - Regret becoming a vegetarian.
PORTLY - Shaped like a harbour.
POST OPERATIVE - Mail delivery worker.
POSTULATE - Poor postal delivery.
PREACH - Soft fruit with speech defect.
PREAMBLE - Warm-up before walking.
PROBLEMATIC - Dodgy loft conversion.
PROPAGANDA - Have a good look.
PROTRACTOR - Paid farm machine.
PSYCHOPATH - Crazy paving.
QUAKER - Posh duck.
QUEST - Coat of Arms with a speech impediment.
RADAR - An attack by pirates.
RAFFIA - Craft fair crime syndicate.
RAMBLING - Jewellery for sheep.
RANDOMISE - Ocular defect.
RANKER - Japanese term of abuse.
RANSOM - Partial exercise
RAPSCALLION - Funky spring onion.
RECOVERY - Replacing upholstery.
RECTUM - Items seriously damaged.
RETARD (1) - Refreshed road surface.
RETARD (2) - Very difficult in Yorkshire (UK).
RETREAD - Very red in Yorkshire (UK).
RHEUMATIC - Automatic herb.
ROCK BOTTOM - Firm seat.
ROOK - What Japanese tourists do.
RUGGER - Wig maker.
SATIRE - A more elevated seating position.
SCANDAL - Shameful foot-ware.
SCAR TISSUE - Problem connecting DVD to TV.
SCINTILLATE - Commit adultery until midnight.
SCOOBY DO - Responsible dog owner.
SCUM - It has arrived.
SCURRILOUS - Mouse with no legs.
SEA LEGS - Eggs of the seal.
SEA LION - Implement for pressing seals.
SECRETION - Act of hiding something.
SEIZURE - You have been spotted.
SEMOLINA - System of signalling using puddings.
SENILE - What to do in Egypt.
SENTIMENT - The perfume he intended to buy.
SEWAGE - Legal work.
SHAMROCK - Tribute band.
SHEEP DIP - Unpopular buffet item.
SHELLFISH - A bit like a shelf.
SHREWD - A rude shrew.
SHRINK - Ice skating shrew.
SHRUB - Over-friendly shrew.
SLIPPERY - A bit like a slipper.
SLUGGISH - A bit like a slug.
SNUFFBOX - Coffin.
SORCERER - Even more like a saucer.
SPECIMEN - Italian astronauts.
SPOOF - Person pretending to be gay.
STALACTITE (1) - Inebriated prisoners of war.
STALACTITE (2) - Prison camp for fleas.
STIFLE - No room at the pigs home.
STIFLING - Scottish dance for pigs.
STOCKADE - Meat based fizzy drink.
STYLIST - Directory for pigs.
SUBDUED - Less than 'cool' person.
SUBSTITUTE - Underwater hooker.
SUFFOCATION - A week in Lowestoft (UK).
SUFFRAGETTE - Package holiday flight.
SURCHARGE - Cash for Honours.
SYCAMORE - Not as well as I used to be.
SYSTEMATIC - Robot Nun.
STYMIED - Jewish pig.
TABLET - Small table.
TADPOLE - Quarter Polish.
TAFFETA (1) - Cannibal who prefers Welsh people.
TAFFETA (2) - Welsh goats cheese.
TAILBACK - Post operative Manx cat.
TAPAS - Gentle strike a bottom.
TAPIOCA - Disappointingly average dance routine.
TENDENTIOUS - Having ten dents.
TENSION - Stand up straight.
TENTATIVE - Not sure about camping.
TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport.
TEUTONIC - Ordered with two gins.
THERMIDOR - Spanish lobster fighter.
THESAURUS - Condition after eating very hot curry.
TIMBRE - Call of a French lumberjack.
TINKER - Irish philosopher.
TISSUE - Important matter on Yorkshire (UK).
TITILLATE - Delayed puberty.
TOMBOLA - A game throwing male cats.
TOOTH FAIRY - Effeminate dentist.
TORPID - Incomplete torpedo.
TRANSCENDENTAL - Cross-dressing dentist.
TRANSISTOR - A brother who wears his mothers clothes.
TRICYCLE - Even short trice.
TRIGONOMETRY - Cowboys method for locating horse.
TROLLEY - Abundance of trolls.
TUMBLING - Jewellery for the belly-button.
TUMOUR - More than one more.
TYPHOON - Tea induced flatulence.
UGANDA - You have a look.
UNDERTAKER - Trainee shop lifter.
UNDETERRED - Skid mark.
URDU - Liverpool coiffeur.
URINE - Opposite of you're out.
VANISH - A bit like a van.
VARNISH - To disappear in Mayfair (UK).
VEIN - Conceited.
VENEZUELA - Harpoon armed gondola.
VIGILANT - Insect that stays up all night.
WARMING - Geordie's Chinese vase.
WHOLESALER - Moby Dicks lunch.
WINNEBAGO - Horse with a bad back.
WISP - Really pathetic wasp.
WORM CAST - Downloadable worm.
YASHMAK - Garment worn to protect against yash.