-
Where
there's a will, I want to be in it.
-
Do not
argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with
experience
-
The last
thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
-
Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
-
If I
agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
-
We never
really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-
War does
not determine who is right - only who is left.
-
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
-
Evening
news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you
why it isn't.
-
To steal
ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
-
A bus
station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On
my desk, I have a work station.
-
I
thought I wanted a career. It now turns out I just wanted wages.
-
Whenever
I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency,
notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
-
I didn't
say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-
Women
will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald
head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-
Behind
every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is
usually another woman.
-
A clear
conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
-
I asked
God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike
and asked for forgiveness.
-
You do
not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive
twice.
-
Money
can't buy happiness but it makes misery easier to live with.
-
There's
a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get
away.
-
I used
to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
-
You're
never too old to learn something stupid.
-
To be
sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the
target.
-
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
-
Change
is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-
Going to
church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage
makes you a car.
-
A
diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
look forward to the trip.
-
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they
were.
-
The
voices in my head may not be real but they come up with some good ideas.
-
I always
take life with a grain of salt; plus a slice of lemon and a shot of
tequila.
-
When
tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually
uses water.